I have been thinking a lot about connections lately because I often feel like mine are minimal.
My husband and I are experiencing a rough time right now in that he currently has to work a few hours away several days and nights of the week. It is hard on him and me and our marriage. In a time when we should be blissfully swimming in our newlywed situation, we go several days and nights without seeing each other, and depending on his work schedule, we may not get to speak more than just a few words a day. My primary means of showing and receiving love is through quality time spent with a person, and I find myself lonely when we are apart. In a time when our connection as spouses should be incredibly strong, Matt and I are having to put in extra effort to maintain that connection.
As Matt said to me this morning before he left again for San Antonio, it really sucks that this stint of being away from each other fell so early in our marriage. But it also is providing extra income for us while we are preparing for a move and helping Matt to further his career. Neither of those make it suck any less.
I have been thinking about the connections I have with other people a good bit, also. I am a millennial; my generation thrives on instant gratification. We use credit cards and loans to procure things that we have to have the instant we decide we have to have them. We expect relationships to be sexual the instant that we form them because the idea of waiting for something as special as making love is just preposterous and unnecessary. We have surgeries to change our bodies quickly instead of working for that change. We walk into the workforce with a college diploma expecting to make six figures a year fresh from graduation. We expect new cars on our sixteenth birthdays, 'I love you's after the first date, and dream homes to return to at the end of our honeymoons. We do not like to wait, and we have created a world in which we often do not have to.
But many things require waiting. They require patience and nurturing. They require time.
If you are also a product of the eighties or nineties, then you can probably recall the grating sound of a modem attempting to connect to the Internet, all the beeps and whirring and scratches that you endured just to hear a voice declare that you had mail. You know that sometimes (a good bit of the time), it would not connect and you would have to try again later. Now, how frustrated do I get when Matt and I are driving through east Texas and my Facebooking or pinning is interrupted by a message at the top of my phone's screen that reads 'No internet connection'? I have the ability to surf the web on my cell phone (that doesn't have to be connected to any sort of phone line or electrical outlet to work), and I get frustrated that the hours I spend pinning useless crap that I really don't need get interrupted on rare occasion by a lack of connection for ten minutes.
Talk about the need for instant gratification.
I read once that some scientists were theorizing that the amount of time one spends on social networks has an opposite affect on the ability one has to form real connections with people away from the screen. I understand that my generation has a desire to use social media. We are a generation raised on and responsible for the development of social technology. We used live journal, Xanga, MySpace, open diary, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snap Chat, Linked In, Vine, and a plethora of others. We see all of these products as an opportunity to connect with people, to shrink our world down to the size of a smart phone's screen. We can Face Time or Skype with our parents out of state or country. We can see live footage of the streets surrounding the Eiffel Tower with Google Maps. Facebook allows us to post our opinions and then get into flame wars about them. Twitter allows us to evangelize by retweeting the Pope! Everyone in the world can know that I like to prepare colorful paleo dishes if I post them on Instagram. There is a panda cam that allows me the joy of watching pandas play! We are instantly satisfied that we have communicated with society and our egos have been sufficiently stroked because people 'liked' our statuses.
I have, literally, hundreds of friends on Facebook. I know people who have over a thousand. And of those hundreds of friends, none of which are people I work with, I have had meaningful verbal conversations with four of them in the past week. Four. I had meaningful conversations with four or the hundreds of people I claim to socially connect with several times a day. I understand our need to use social media. It is simple and instantly gratifying. I we feel down, it takes only a few seconds to find someone who has a more depressing life. If we feel lonely, Facebook messenger is right there! But how long does that social high last?
Matt and I are making an effort to be less connected with the world and more connected with each other when we are actually able to see each other. It is my goal for us to go through an entire meal without checking our phones, eventually for us to just be able to lie in bed without wanting to stare into a screen. It is so easy to feel close to someone just by being near them, so we assume that being glued to our phones or the iPad isn't diminishing our connection. But how much do we miss by having a screen in front of our eyes.
How many parents miss important first steps or words because they're too busy trying to get to the camera function of their phones so they can post a video of it on Instagram? How often do we fail to give someone a hug on his or her birthday and justify it by wishing them a happy birthday via Facebook wall message? How often do we forget to be thankful for all we have because we pinned too many things we still want? When is the last time you went to the gym and didn't post a status about it. Sometimes we get so carried away trying to post our awesome lives on social media that we forget to live them.
Of the hundreds of Facebook friends I have, there are many I don't even like. I assume I don't like them because of things they post, because they're either too liberal (unquestioned abortions and unregulated government assistance and 'Christians are unintelligent' types) or too conservative (zero gun control, supporters of the death penalty, and 'Obama is the anti-Christ' types). But the percentage of the ones I don't like who I haven't actually had a conversation with is staggering. I am socially connected with them, but I have never made an actual connection them.
And that is our problem.
The smaller our world gets, thanks to technology and social media, the larger our hatred gets. We are so quick to write off people without getting to know them, simply because they 'liked' something posted by a page we don't agree with or they use profanity in their posts. Or simply because they post selfies. We have access to thousands of cultures and perspectives because of the Internet, and we consider ourselves connected to those cultures and perspectives because we have social network friends who practice different religions or do illegal drugs or happen to be attracted to the same gender, the opposite gender, or no gender. But how often do we connect with those other cultures in reality? Liking a photo or even a thought-out comment doesn't connect us to those people.
We must talk to our friends about what makes us different or, more importantly, what makes us the same. We must look past their opposing views on gay marriage, abortion, or Saints football to find that small seed of commonality. That seed, given time and nourishment, can bloom into a real human connection.
Human connection, real, no-screens-involved connection, is vital for our survival. If we cannot connect, we cannot form empathy. And a world without empathy for others is a world destined for hatred and destruction.
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